I once cheated on a man I loved who was steady and patient and kind with a man who was passionate and exciting and smelled like sage. My boyfriend forgave me for everything when I told him the truth. He still loved me in his quiet, sturdy way. I broke his heart a short time later. As anyone could have guessed, things didn’t work out with the man who smelled like sage either.

I broke up with a guy & it devastated him. He said he loved me and was an emotional wreck when I left. The next day, I slept with his best friend. We continue to hook up all the time in secret.

While babysitting my siblings they were acting up and wouldn’t listen. So I pretended to go into a seizures until they were crying out of concern. I’ve never actually had a seizure.

I had a friend in the fourth grade whose parents were tax evaders and conspiracy theorists. One day, I decided it would be funny to tell him that I had invited him over as part of a government plot to get him out of the house so the government could take away his parents.
It was not funny.
I still feel bad about that.

In third grade, I charged my classmates $0.10 for overnight drawings of the Smurfs. I wasn’t drawing them at all, but going home and tracing them from coloring books. One day I was found out. My friend Mark unmasked me as a tracer. “Tracer!” he yelled, “You can’t draw! You’re a tracer!” People demanded their money back.

Back in the late 80s/early 90s, my parents were on a mission in Vermont at the Joseph Smith Memorial Center. I flew out to visit them for Thanksgiving weekend and a friend of mine from college (who was living in NYC at the time) met me there – we were spending the weekend with my parents at the visitors center. Thanksgiving night after all the festivities, my friend and I made the really bad decision to go to a little bar near the visitors center called The Three Legged Chicken and I got totally drunk. Beyond buzzed – slurry, sloppy drunk. My parents were waiting up for us, and wanted to have a conversation. I had to pretend I wasn’t drunk which was pretty hard since I also got the hiccups. I’m sure they knew but they didn’t say anything. So…. I got drunk while visiting my parents on their mission. Not a TOTALLY bad thing, per say, but I’ve always felt like a big creep for doing that. Maybe that’s not the worst thing I’ve done, but definitely right up there as one of the dumbest. I need to apologize for that one of these days in the near future.

On Valentine’s Day in 4th grade I made this kid Zach cry because I gave everyone in the class a Ninja Turtles card except Zach. I gave Zach a piece of paper that said, “I hate you.”